Jokes

[Red6Rdr]

What kind of jokes do you have about firefighters, sheriff's, etc? I'll start off with one on the firehouse forum.

"What do cops and firefighters have in common?

They all want to be firefighters!"

[JPM]

Q. what does EMS stand for?

A. Earning Money Sleeping

[JPM]

Firefighter Terminology

Haligan Tool: Used for breaking headlights

Kelly Tool: What firefighter Kelly uses to break headlights

Water Hammer: Used to drive in water nails

Drafting: Following another fire engine really closely on the way to a fire

Backdraft: Drafting on the way back to the station

Ladder Company: Where they make ladders

Flashover: Too many lights on the pumper

Rollover: What you do in the ashes to make your new turnouts look old

McCleod: The Highlander

Master Stream: The Mississippi River

BLEVE: It was dry when I drove my Chevy there

Exposures: Usually Indecent

Mutual Aid: When 4 kids are hurt and there is only 3 band aids, someone is getting Mutual Aid!

[JPM]

How firefighter's identify a HAZMAT chemical using the COP Method:

1. Officer standing/Car running: Not hazardous.

2. Officer unconscious/Car running: Toxic fumes.

3. Officer unconscious/Car stalled: Oxygen displacing chemical.

4. Officer/Car both melting: Acidic chemical.

5. Officer/Car on fire: Extremely flammable.

[Razel]

So... ^^^Originally posted by Red6Rdr
What kind of jokes do you have about firefighters, sheriff's, etc? I'll start off with one on the firehouse forum.

"What do cops and firefighters have in common?

They all want to be firefighters!"
Did you really want to go there?

[silversvs]

The best firefighter joke is to put out the fire before they get on scene. Pisses 'em off every time.

[ateamer]

Originally posted by Red6Rdr
What kind of jokes do you have about firefighters, sheriff's, etc? I'll start off with one on the firehouse forum.

"What do cops and firefighters have in common?

They all want to be firefighters!"
Why do they have cops?
So firefighters can have heroes, too. :p

[Lucky]

Originally posted by silversvs
The best firefighter joke is to put out the fire before they get on scene. Pisses 'em off every time.

And don't forget to downgrade them to code two but keep them enroute. Also useful for rescue responses that turn out to be anything but.

[Red6Rdr]

Originally posted by Razel
So... ^^^
Did you really want to go there?

Bring it on!

[ateamer]

Well, of course the firefighters are going to come up with lots of witty comments. They have more free time on their hands, what with only working 10 days a month, and spending most of that time sleeping in their bunks, sleeping on the couch, cooking, or watching TV.




































:p :laughing
Actually, around here, we get along great with fire. Until we had our storefront substations ("Service Centers"), we did our report writing in fire stations, so got a pretty close relationship going. I still stop by a lot, and eat dinner with them sometimes.

I just need to keep fairly quiet when in the fire station so I don't wake them.:teeth

[Var]

ripped off from the web...that's where i get most of my jokes anyways



The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

[masameet]

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you ..."

So the drunk says, "Tits."

[masameet]

A true story!

Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message -- "He's lying" -- was placed in the
copier, and each time the police thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth, the copy button was pressed and the copier spat out the message. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

[masameet]

An older woman gets pulled over for speeding ...

Older woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your driver's license, please?

Older woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older woman: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

Older woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk, if you want to have a look.

The officer stares at the woman and then slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within five minutes, police cars circle her car. Clasping his half drawn gun, a senior officer slowly approaches her car.

Officer 2: Ma'am, step out of your vehicle!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem, sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner.

Older woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, I'd like you to open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver's license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[}Dragon{]

Originally posted by JPM
How firefighter's identify a HAZMAT chemical using the COP Method:

1. Officer standing/Car running: Not hazardous.

2. Officer unconscious/Car running: Toxic fumes.

3. Officer unconscious/Car stalled: Oxygen displacing chemical.

4. Officer/Car both melting: Acidic chemical.

5. Officer/Car on fire: Extremely flammable.

We used the CHP rule of thumb;

Approach the scene so it can be viewed by the size of your thumb.
Get binoculars and assess the scene.

If the CHP Officer is vertical and waiving: Proceed in.
If the CHP Officer is horizontal: Call for more cops.

:laughing

True story; I had a good ol' boy Chief who was quoted in the newspaper at a HazMat-
"Chief, how did you know it was hazardous material?"
The Chief says, "Well, I touched it and it burnt me."

[}Dragon{]

Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't you know a CHP locked him with LIDAR. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going BOY?!?"

Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhhh, over 55?"

"93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"

"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"

Ignoring Bob, the CHP Officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, "That's speeding and your getting a ticket with a huge fine!" The cop took a good look at the Bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob recanted, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"

The Officer leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?"

"I'm an asshole stretcher!!!" replied Bob.

"What you say, BOY?!?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm an asshole stretcher!!!"

Of course the cop asked, "What does an asshole stretcher do?"

Bob explained, " People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."

The CHiPpie, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole ?"

Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a LIDAR gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

[Dean129]

California Highway Patrol (CHP)

Translation:

Can't
Handle
Police work

[}Dragon{]

Originally posted by Dean129
California Highway Patrol (CHP)

Translation:

Can't
Handle
Police work

Coffee
Has
Priority

:laughing

[Traq]

Originally posted by }Dragon{
"93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"
Speed limit is 50 on the bridges! :hand

:twofinger

[tuxumino]

women love cops because they have big guns and make them feel secure.


But



Firemen make better loves becuase:

Their always in heat,
have high quality hoses,
know how to use a tip,
know how to apply foam,
and always wear their protective gear.

[}Dragon{]

There were two cop's wives.
Both happily married and both very attractive.
They were faithful to their husbands.

Every so often they have a ladies night where they both go out and have some drinks and go dancing, everything you would think of on a ladies night out. Hours went by and they decided it's time to head home.

They decided to walk home both knowing that they have drank way to much and a little walk would be fun. As they walk home, one of the ladies said that she has to go to the restroom. The second lady agrees but didn't know where the closest restroom was. They both saw a cemetery and thought that they could pop a squat right there.

The first wife bent over and peed but didn't have anything to wipe herself. So she used her underwear and tossed them to the side. The second lady peed by a bush, and not wanting to throw a good pair of underwear away, she looked around for something. She saw a wreath with a ribbon on it and decided to use it. They continued home and went to bed.

The next day the husbands of the two wives met for a beer and said that they need to put and end to this girls' night out.

The first cop said that his wife came home without any panties on.

The second cop said that's nothing, my wife came home with a ribbon hanging out of her panties saying "We will miss you, THE FIRE DEPARTMENT!"

[Razel]

Originally posted by Traq
Speed limit is 50 on the bridges! :hand

:twofinger Huh?
Bay Bridge - 50
Dumbarton - 55
Richmond - 55
San Mateo - 65
Golden Gate - 45

:x

[Reality98]

Originally posted by silversvs
The best firefighter joke is to put out the fire before they get on scene. Pisses 'em off every time.

Hell yeah it does, thats what we get paid for, it's the fun part of our job.

[Reality98]

Originally posted by ateamer
Well, of course the firefighters are going to come up with lots of witty comments. They have more free time on their hands, what with only working 10 days a month, and spending most of that time sleeping in their bunks, sleeping on the couch, cooking, or watching TV.

Hey! some of us work 12 days a month thankyou very much.:laughing

[}Dragon{]

Originally posted by Reality98
Hell yeah it does, thats what we get paid for, it's the fun part of our job.

B-shift?






:p

[Reality98]

Originally posted by }Dragon{
B-shift?






:p




:shhh