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Budman's on going joke fest

When you arrive at the gates of Heaven:
You will be greeted by an Englishman.
Your meals will be prepared by a Frenchman.
You will be entertained by an Italian
And it will all be scheduled by a German

When you arrive at the gates of Hell :
You will be greeted by Frenchman
Your meals will be prepared by an Englishman.
You will be entertained by a German
And it will all be scheduled by an Italian
 
bikeama said:
When you arrive at the gates of Heaven:
You will be greeted by an Englishman.
Your meals will be prepared by a Frenchman.
You will be entertained by an Italian
And it will all be scheduled by a German

When you arrive at the gates of Hell :
You will be greeted by Frenchman
Your meals will be prepared by an Englishman.
You will be entertained by a German
And it will all be scheduled by an Italian
Click to expand...
Do I get to ride an Austrian motorcycle?
 
Investigative sources in California say that radical Muslims
are planning to go on a rampage in the city of Los Angeles,
killing anyone who is a U.S. citizen.












Police officials fear the death toll could be as high as 9.
 
:teeth

"EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT"

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you"
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that ...

Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ..
leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A
 
I've got a joke about Sean Connery's sister's daughter but you might not like it.
It's a little niche.

Thanks reddit. :laughing
 
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation. She was awake , so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?"

The Surgeon seemed to pause which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be alright won't I ?"

He replied, 'Yes , you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
 
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do and he didn't seem to be too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky, and a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up."

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard and, Lord, what a shame that would be. Worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed and, as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired the Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's gonna run for Congress!"
 
:laughing

**************************

Sex with a patient
A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said, "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."















But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering, "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."
 
He says, ‘I met an older woman at a bar last night.’


GetInline.aspx




She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all,

and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.



We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?



'What's that? I asked.



'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.



As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'



We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.



We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

'Mom...you still awake?'
 
Two men walk into a bar:
The first says "Bartender, "I'll have some H2O"
The second man says "I'll have some H2O2"
He died.

The end.
 
Biography of woman compared to a country.

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered , half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful !

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and assured of her beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.


After 70, she becomes Tibet . Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and
the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.










THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like North Korea, ruled by a pair of nuts.


THE END.
 
budman said:
Biography of woman compared to a country.

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered , half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful !

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and assured of her beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.


After 70, she becomes Tibet . Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and
the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.










THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like North Korea, ruled by a pair of nuts.


THE END.
Click to expand...

Truth. :x

Technically, it's been three generations of loony Kims ruling NorK, but still :thumbup
 
what is the best thing about a BJ???












five minutes of fucking silence!!(stolen from the vice vid in another thread)
 
For the married guys :teeth

What's eggs benedict and a bj have in common??

Those are 2 things your never going to get.
 
Last edited:
Missing Wife Found by Alaska State Troopers

The day after my wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, I answered
my door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

“We’re sorry Mr. Rigg, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the troopers.

“Tell me! Did you find her?” I asked.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, I said, “Give me the bad news first.”
The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay.”

“Oh my God!” I exclaimed. Swallowing hard, I asked, “What’s the good news?”

The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.”

Stunned, I demanded, “If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?”

The trooper replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all!
 
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