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Old 03-15-2015, 06:58 AM   #316
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Mafia's Book keeper . . .


A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.


When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather,
"He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."


The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the gutts to pull the trigger."
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Old 03-15-2015, 07:17 AM   #317
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The agony of dyslexia.....



After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his dick with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"
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Old 03-15-2015, 07:32 AM   #318
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An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
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Old 03-15-2015, 04:35 PM   #319
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Originally Posted by m0t0_ryder View Post
The agony of dyslexia.....



After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his dick with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"
Reminds me of the dyslexic CHP Officer who kept arresting women for IUDs.
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Old 03-16-2015, 05:44 PM   #320
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On a bitterly cold winter morning an Irish husband and wife in Dublin were

listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say,

"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car

on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through.

"So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,

"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on

the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through.

"The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,

"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....

" Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a

worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the

street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married

to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."
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Old 03-17-2015, 10:34 AM   #321
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Always get a second opinion

The doctor said, 'The good news is I can cure your headaches!

The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates a bad headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife.

When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of myself.

As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life. I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.’

The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

I laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

I tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As I admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed me and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

I thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.'

I laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
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Old 03-17-2015, 11:37 AM   #322
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Why can't you tell a kleptomaniac a joke?
They always take things literally
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Old 03-20-2015, 06:58 AM   #323
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Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily and bought a mule for $100.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis &Leroy replied,"Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
Curtis said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.."
Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
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Old 03-20-2015, 09:03 PM   #324
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^ Classic!




A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Jimmy says: "I wanna start out as a United pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in London, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout world, an infinite Visa card spending all she wants, and all the while I’m banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Jimmy, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . .

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Jimmy’s whore."
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Old 03-24-2015, 03:23 PM   #325
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If I didn't hurt your feelings, then I retract my apology. - bruceflinch
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Old 03-27-2015, 01:07 AM   #326
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Caution: Offensive sexist joke.

A man meets this woman in a bar. They share a few drinks and decide to go back to her place. They're starting to get busy and she says to him, "You'll have to go easy, I have acute angina." He says, "You better, because you sure have ugly titties."
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Old 03-27-2015, 05:17 AM   #327
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I've got a good one. I've just been gifted a bright red Puch CS50. hahaha
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Old 03-27-2015, 02:41 PM   #328
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I've got a good one. I've just been gifted a bright red Puch CS50. hahaha
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Old 03-29-2015, 07:20 PM   #329
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Person 1: "Did you know that you can buy milk made from almonds or soy?"

Person 2: "No whey!"

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Old 03-30-2015, 12:32 PM   #330
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Person 1: "Did you know that you can buy milk made from almonds or soy?"

Person 2: "No whey!"

Punny, but I think you're milking it.
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