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Old 06-06-2009, 10:36 PM   #1
Valgar
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The epsom salt saga. Or: Why it hurts to sit.

In an effort to help with some random aches and soreness, I went and picked up some epsom salts.

Good intentions.

Today, I read the package, and read the laxative portion of the usage instructions. Idiot that I am, I need to try anything once.

Rampant burning painful hindsight is 20/20.

I took the maximum recommended dosage.

"Gah! This tastes like shit!, probably won't do anything either"

Oh, how utterly wrong I was.

Within 30 minutes, I detected a grumble, I picked up my book, and ambled to the bathroom.

20 seconds later, hell was released.

Everything I have eaten, past, present, and future flowed from my body like a firehose of chunky filth. I had the presence of mind to yell "I'M GOING TO BE IN HERE FOR A WHILE!" to ensure that Janelle would not come searching for my dry husk of a body.

An hour later, I staggered out of the foul pit that my bathroom had become. Dehydrated, dizzy, confused, chapped. I quickly consumed a giant tumbler of water, limped into the living room to find Janelle peacefully asleep (Curse her). I painfully sat, glad the worst was over.

For 5 minutes.

Après moi, le déluge

Again, and again, and again...

Sweet fucking zombie jesus, I drink a glass of water, and minutes later, I am firehosing it all out, along with bits of the green army guys I ate when I was 2 years old.

Now, hours later, I sit here with my happily lubed A&D ointment ass planted on the couch, faint burbles of anger from my whistle clean digestive tract, and a greater knowledge that I should NEVER...EVER...do that again..

Well, unless I am planning on a long night of getting plowed in the ass...because it is easily better than cheap and quick enema.
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Old 06-06-2009, 10:42 PM   #2
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MEIN BRAIN! THE IMAGERY WON'T GO AWAY!
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Old 06-06-2009, 10:42 PM   #3
2nsane
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thatl learn ya
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There are 4.2 branches of the Military (0.2 = Coast Guard )

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Old 06-06-2009, 10:47 PM   #4
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It hurts to sit? That's what the fetal position is for. Crying optional. Slight rocking recommended.
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Old 06-06-2009, 10:47 PM   #5
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How are the random aches and soreness doing???
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Old 06-06-2009, 10:48 PM   #6
Valgar
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Originally Posted by Cheyenne View Post


How are the random aches and soreness doing???
Oh, the ache and soreness is quite specific now...
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I honestly believe I no longer have a soul.
...and I'm laughing while I write this.
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Old 06-06-2009, 10:51 PM   #7
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I have a tip for ya.


Do NOT attempt to fart!! there could be consequences to deal with later. primarily an angry other have bitching about your dirty skid marked skivvies

that and it might burn a lil. but your used to that
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There are 4.2 branches of the Military (0.2 = Coast Guard )

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The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government
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Old 06-06-2009, 10:51 PM   #8
Silence
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Valgar's gate control theory of pain.
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Old 06-06-2009, 11:03 PM   #9
turbodogs02
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Holy crap (pun very much intended)!

I needed a good laugh!! Sorry it had to be at your expense, but man, that is some funny shit right there. (oops, sorry again!)

Nice to know the stuff actually works though!
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Old 06-06-2009, 11:32 PM   #10
Nemo Brinker
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Next experiment at Valgar Laboratories, LLC: Castor oil.

Not many BARF posts that ya read out loud to your date, thanks.
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Old 06-06-2009, 11:34 PM   #11
daventura
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Funny stuff, Dave.

My apologies.

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Old 06-06-2009, 11:55 PM   #12
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DEWWD! your supposed to soak your feet in epsom salts not your anus.
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Old 06-07-2009, 12:15 AM   #13
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Old 06-07-2009, 06:49 AM   #14
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That's ONE way to eliminate the "aches and pains" problem

maybe next time you could just pull a toenail out or join in an RC thread ?
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Old 06-07-2009, 07:19 AM   #15
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for me a motorcycle is more than art
it's something that brings out my instincts
the wildness and vulnerability in me
it feels nothing like
how violent it looks from the outside
it's very serene
the ground and the sky are so white
there is no boundary between them
i can't tell you how peaceful it is
shinya kimura
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