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Budman's on going joke fest

A lawyer took a drive in the country. He stops his black 5 series in a small town, and walks up to the general store. An old man is sitting on the porch, with a dog at his feet. The dog is licking its ass like there's no tomorrow.

The lawyer says "That's got to be the dumbest dog I've ever seen. I'd put that animal out of its misery if I owned it."

The old man looks up from his nap. "You're right" he says. "I told him not to bite that lawyer, 'cause he'd never get the taste out of his mouth."
 
Only weeks after leaving office on January 20, 2017, former president Obama discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Joe the Plumber to come out and fix it. Joe drives to Obama's new house, located in a very exclusive, gated community near Chicago where all the residents have a net income of more than $750,000 per year.

Joe arrives and takes his tools into the house. Joe is led to the guest bathroom that contains the leaky pipe under the sink. Joe assesses the problem and tells Obama that it's an easy repair that will take less than 10 minutes. Obama asks Joe how much it will cost. Joe checks his rate chart and says, "$9,500."

"What?! $9,500?" Obama asks, stunned, But you said it's an easy repair Michelle will whip me if I pay a plumber that much!"

Joe says, "Yes, but what I do is charge those who make $750,000 per year a much higher amount so I can fix the plumbing of poorer people for free," explains Joe."This has always been my philosophy. As a matter of fact, I lobbied the Democrat Congress, who passed this philosophy into law. Now all plumbers must do business this way.

It's known as 'Affordable Plumbing Act of 2015'. I'm surprised you haven't heard of it."

In spite of that, Obama tells Joe there's no way he's paying that much for a small plumbing repair, so Joe leaves. Obama spends the next hour flipping through the phone book calling for another plumber, but he finds that all other plumbing businesses in the area have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Joe's price, Obama does nothing and the leak goes unrepaired for several more days. A week later the leak is so bad that Obama has had to put a bucket under the sink. Michelle is not happy as she has Oprah and guests arriving the next morning. The bucket fills up quickly and has to be emptied every hour and there's a risk that the room will flood, so Obama calls Joe and pleads with him to return.

Joe goes back to Obama's house, looks at the leaky pipe, checks his new rate chart and says,

"Let's see, this will now cost you $21,000."

Obama quickly fires back, "What! A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!

Joe explains,

"Well, because of the 'Affordable Plumbing Act', a lot of wealthier people are learning how to maintain their own plumbing, so there are fewer payers into the plumbing exchanges. As a result, the price I have to charge wealthy people like you keeps rising. Not only that, but for some reason the demand for plumbing work by those who get it for free has skyrocketed! There's a long waiting list of those who need repairs but the amount we get doesn't cover our costs. This unfortunately has put a lot of my fellow plumbers out of business, they're not being replaced, and nobody is going into the plumbing business because they know they can't make any money at it. I'm hurting, too, all thanks to greedy rich people like you. Only weeks after leaving office on January 20, 2017, former president Obama discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Joe the Plumber to come out and fix it. Joe drives to Obama's new house, located in a very exclusive, gated community near Chicago where all the residents have a net income of more than $750,000 per year.

Joe arrives and takes his tools into the house. Joe is led to the guest bathroom that contains the leaky pipe under the sink. Joe assesses the problem and tells Obama that it's an easy repair that will take less than 10 minutes. Obama asks Joe how much it will cost. Joe checks his rate chart and says, "$9,500."

"What?! $9,500?" Obama asks, stunned, But you said it's an easy repair Michelle will whip me if I pay a plumber that much!"

Joe says, "Yes, but what I do is charge those who make $750, 000 per year a much higher amount so I can fix the plumbing of poorer people for free," explains Joe."This has always been my philosophy. As a matter of fact, I lobbied the Democrat Congress, who passed this philosophy into law. Now all plumbers must do business this way.

It's known as 'Affordable Plumbing Act of 2015'. I'm surprised you haven't heard of it."


In spite of that, Obama tells Joe there's no way he's paying that much for a small plumbing repair, so Joe leaves. Obama spends the next hour flipping through the phone book calling for another plumber, but he finds that all other plumbing businesses in the area have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Joe's price, Obama does nothing and the leak goes unrepaired for several more days. A week later the leak is so bad that Obama has had to put a bucket under the sink. Michelle is not happy as she has Oprah and guests arriving the next morning. The bucket fills up quickly and has to be emptied every hour and there's a risk that the room will flood, so Obama calls Joe and pleads with him to return.

Joe goes back to Obama's house, looks at the leaky pipe, checks his new rate chart and says,

"Let's see, this will now cost you $21,000."


Obama quickly fires back, "What! A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!


Joe explains,

"Well, because of the 'Affordable Plumbing Act', a lot of wealthier people are learning how to maintain their own plumbing, so there are fewer payers into the plumbing exchanges. As a result, the price I have to charge wealthy people like you keeps rising. Not only that, but for some reason the demand for plumbing work by those who get it for free has skyrocketed! There's a long waiting list of those who need repairs but the amount we get doesn't cover our costs. This unfortunately has put a lot of my fellow plumbers out of business, they're not being replaced, and nobody is going into the plumbing business because they know they can't make any money at it. I'm hurting, too, all thanks to greedy rich people like you who won't pay their fair share."
 
Double Post of Lame Joke


Not because it was political, but because it was a lame joke.
boo_this_man_half_baked.gif
 
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. It is a simple test of your English language skills. Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, 'You must make a sentence using the words
Yellow, pink, and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
 
No Doubt...:laughing

Koi..:teeth

This has to apply to barfers. In a good way..!

____________________________________________

Will I live to see 80?

My boring ass neighbor who won't STFU about his health recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he told me she said he was doing fairly well for his age.

He seemed a little concerned about that comment.

I asked him why?? (dumb move)

He wondered if that meant he would have a long life.

I said: "Ask her you dillsknob". :rolleyes

So he asked 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' he replied. I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'He said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!

''Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?

''No, I don't,' he said. (I knew it).

She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?

''No,' he said...

He said she then looked at him and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
 
Grandma's Boyfriend...
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma
was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'


Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as
my boyfriend.'


Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.


The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'


The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'


The minister fainted..
 
At a convention, the heads of breweries were going to lunch together. The head of Coors orders a Coors. Head of Anheuser Busch orders a Budweiser. Head of Miller orders a Miller.
The head of Russian River Brewery orders a cola.
The head of Coors asks "Why don't you order a beer?"
"If you guys aren't gonna drink a beer, neither am I", he replied.
 
Three lunatics approach their asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city.

"That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back."

But the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simple question, I'll sign the pass."

He turns to the first lunatic and says "What's three times three?"

The lunatic starts counting on his fingers "3, 7, 19, 38?. Is it 128?"

The doctor shakes his head and turns to the next lunatic: "What's three times three?"

The lunatic immediately shouts "WEDNESDAY!"

The doctor, beginning to get disgusted turns to the last lunatic: What's three times three?"

The lunatic thinks for a moment and then asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. That provided, he writes for some time furiously, and finally looks up and says "Nine."

The doctor is amazed, but true to his word he begins filling out the pass. As he's writing he says "This is incredible, you've always been thoroughly insane. How'd you do it?"

The lunatic responds, "Oh, it was easy, I divided 128 by Wednesday!"
 
A mechanical engineer who was unemployed for 5 years decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: “A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $400; we’ll pay you $1,000 if we fail.”

Doctor Ed walks by the sign and thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

The doctor says ” Sir, I have lost my sense of taste.”

Engineer replies “Nurse, can you please bring the medicine from box 19 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

The doctor immediately screams “WHAT THE?!? This is Gasoline!”

Engineer responds “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $400.”

The doctor gets very annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor this time tells the engineer “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Engineer again says “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 19 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

The doctor “But that is Gasoline!”

Engineer smiles and says “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $400.”

The doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

This time the doctor said “My eyesight has become weak.”

Engineer replied “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000,” passing the doctor a $500 bill.

Doctor: “But this is $500…”

Engineer said “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $400.”
 
Fifty Shades of Grey

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.

"Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles

and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading that 50 Shades of Grey book ......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want." So, here I am!
 
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a smug smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "Well I guess we answered that question."
 
PENSION SEX
Two men were talking.
'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
"Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'


LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out
this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see
what the problem is..'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'

SEX &ARGUMENTS
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yelled, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold as Ever'.'
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, 'This will make
you happy tonight.'
He's right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over
The doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...he could also fly.'
 
Two rather old retired racehorses are in a bar getting totally drunk.

After about two hours, the first racehorse says: "You know... when I was a young racehorse... from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 90 races, got 5 seconds and 5 thirds... I am without doubt the greatest racehorse that ever lived..."

In response to this and approximately a half an hour later, the second racehorse responded, "Oh yeah... when I was a young racehorse... from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 95 races, got 2 seconds and 3 thirds... I am the greatest racehorse that ever lived..."

Now it was about this time that the bartender, a greyhound, decided that they were drunk enough so he said, "I am sick of you two telling one another how great you are, you are both drunk and I am throwing you out of the bar, but before I do, I want to let you know that when I was a young greyhound, from one hundred starts, I won 100 races, no seconds and no thirds."

The two racehorses were shocked and for 5 minutes sat with their mouths open until the fist racehorse finally said, "Isn't that amazing (hic)... a talking greyhound!"
 
Mafia's Book keeper . . .


A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.


When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather,
"He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."


The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the gutts to pull the trigger."
 
The agony of dyslexia.....



After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his dick with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"
 
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
 
The agony of dyslexia.....



After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his dick with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"

Reminds me of the dyslexic CHP Officer who kept arresting women for IUDs.:laughing
 
On a bitterly cold winter morning an Irish husband and wife in Dublin were

listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say,

"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car

on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through.

"So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,

"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on

the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through.

"The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,

"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....

" Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a

worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the

street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married

to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."
 
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