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Budman's on going joke fest

My Living Will

Last night, the kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

They got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine.

The little bastards.
 
:laughing

That is good Rod.

********************************
A LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S .. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL GOLD BRACELET AND GOES OVER TO INSPECT IT...

AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS...

VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED HER LITTLE 'OOPS' AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR...

AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES IN THE FORM OF A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER...

GOOD LOOKING AS WELL AS COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE TIFFANY'S...

HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, 'GOOD DAY, MADAM. HOW MAY WE HELP YOU TODAY???

BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS, 'SIR, WHAT IS THE PRICE OF THIS LOVELY BRACELET ??'

HE REPLIED, "MADAM .. IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT - YOU'RE GOING TO SHIT WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE ."
 
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
 
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.
 
rodr said:
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.
Click to expand...

That is truth. Don't forget the states share (Mom)
 
Bosses have to make the tough decisions!!*


Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

I approached her and said, "Debra, I’ve never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”

"Could you jack off for now?" she says. "I feel like shit. If you can wait, I'll do you at lunchtime."


.......I had to let Jack go.
 
What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend,
Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare,
“It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are
important to each other.”

He then addressed the men.
“Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered,
“Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.
 
Christmas Gift

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
 
Hillbilly in the big city

Delmar went to visit his cousin in the big city.

Johnathan his cousin was showing him the big city.

They drove through the bad part of town and Johnathan said.

Delmar now there is a Ho Down!

Delmar said where where I want to go if you have Ho Downs!

Johnathan said no Delmar that is a hooker that has been shot she is the Ho Down!
 
Boyfriend 5.0, Husband 1.0

A young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship with her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply which was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!

The query:
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, Desperate.

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0.
Good Luck!
 
The Right Rhythm

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.".Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.."Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
 
Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman
were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a
priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When
he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence.' "

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,
The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, I have a daughter,

SLIM & TALL, 40 D BUST, 24" WAIST and 34" HIPS!

Image: https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4504/36953654883_64faba07ea_o.jpg


When she walks into a room, people say, 'SWEET JESUS!'
 
A man goes into an interview. After 45 minutes of questions and verifying experience, the interviewer asks the man what his biggest weakness is.

The man thinks for a second and says his biggest weakness is being too honest.

The interviewer replied, "We value honesty at this company. We don't think that's a weakness."

The man said, "I don't give a fuck what you think."
 
Last edited:
*Jean Claude, Segal and Arnold on Halloween*

Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenegger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."
 
EastBayDave said:
Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenegger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."
Click to expand...

:teeth
 
^^ Sweet Jesus is right Dave!



When Hillary Clinton was asked,
Do you think Harvey Weinstein's behavior
compared to that of her husbands?
Hillary replied "Close but no cigar"
 
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