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Budman's on going joke fest

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?


















Nobody's ever paid 50 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on your face.
 
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LOL

---------------------------------

A young fellow was walking down the street, passing a nursing home that is all fenced up. The fence was tall to give the seniors privacy.

As the young man walking by, he heard lots of exciting cheers. Then, the a few elders start chanting.

"46!"

"46!"

"46!"

Then the elder ladies joined in the chant:

"46!"

"46!"

This piqued the curiosity of the fellow greatly, as you could imagine. He looked about and saw a little hole a few feet away, at about his chest level, just enough for see thru and see what's behind the fence. He walked over, bent down and looked in.

Suddenly a finger poked him in the eye.

"47!"

"47!"

"47!"
 
:laughing OUCH!

______________________
This cowboy walks into the saloon.
When the bartender gets over to him he says, "I bet the price of a beer I can make that horse outside laugh."
Having never seen a horse laugh the bartender looks him over and says, "You're on."
The 'poke goes out and whispers in the horse's ear. First the horse looks startled. Then it starts whinnying so hard it nearly falls down.
The bartender pours the beer and hands it to the 'poke. Being real thirsty the 'poke drains the beer in one slurp.
After he's placed the empty glass on the bar he tells the bartender, "I'll bet'cha another I can go out there and make him cry now."
The bartender looks a bit puzzled at first then decides it would be worth the beer to see him actually do it and accepts the bet.
The 'poke goes back out, whispers in the horses ear again, they both look down, and the horses eyes widen and start tearing up.
The 'poke walks back in for another round. He takes his time with this pint. Not wanting to rush him the bartender waits until 'poke's done with his second free beer and asks, "How'd you do that?"
To which the 'poke explains, "First I told him my dick was bigger than his...then I showed him."
 
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:laughing :thumbup


Who thinks this stuff up?

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist

• They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop
any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned
on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I'm reading a book about antigravity. I just can't put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because
she couldn't control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A
thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro: what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn't last.
 
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."


I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds,had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."


I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, “Yesterday."


I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.


I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
 
CDONA said:
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."


I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds,had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."


I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, “Yesterday."


I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.


I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
Click to expand...

:laughing
 
Just heard some guy bragging about his one night stand.

Whatever mate, I've got two night stands. Either side of my bed.
 
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my bike I guess."
 
:rofl:laughing

I went in to donate some blood the other days. Man, do they ask a lot of questions!

Whose blood is it? Where did you get these?
 
A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
 
OldBlade said:
A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
Click to expand...

these are awesome! I especially liked the Hyperbole
 
My last ride.......

While riding my Moto, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and anded in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiney new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are
you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better,
but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while.
She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Bike I guess."
 
What happens when you make an Asian girl squirt?




She charges you 25 cents for extra sauce :teeth
 
A man goes in for a government job interview

The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"

"Yes, I served two tours in Afghanistan."

"Good, that counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"

"I am 100% disabled. A mortar round blew off my testicles so they declared me disabled. It doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you! I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in at about 10 tomorrow and we'll get you started."

The man looks at the interviewer quite puzzled and asks "if working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"

The interviewer chuckles and says "well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point in you coming in for that!"
 
They have dogs now that are trained to smell if people have cancer

Taking those dogs for walks must be awful.

.....

"Gosh your dog really loves me!"

"I'm so sorry"
 
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
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