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Budman's on going joke fest

Good stuff Dave. :rofl
 
A guy walks in to a bar and asks for a beer.

"That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.

On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells "here's your change asshole!"

The guy looks down at the coins and says: "I'll have another beer, please."
 
EastBayDave said:
A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would have to go to school.

He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade.

When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade like this. "It is really quite simple," they said. "We gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling it, and an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler."
Click to expand...

He must have gone to UTI
 
I'm reaching out on behalf of a mate of mine who needs some help.

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back, he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live now.
 
What would the world be without balls

INTERESTING OBSERVATION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. And...
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE amazing fact is, the higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.
 
The difference in words

One day during the family lunch the youngest son Paul asks his father:
- Daddy, what is the difference between.potential.and.reality?

Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question:.
- Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $?
- Certainly, I would never waste such opportunity, - tells the wife

Daddy turns to his teenage daughter:.
- Maria, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million $?
- Surely! He is my fantasy, his posters are all over the walls of my room.

Daddy turns to his eldest son Raul and asks:.
- Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million $!
Eldest son thinks a little and replies:.
- Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money. So yes, I would sleep.

Then daddy turns back to his youngest son Paul and explains to him:.
- You see, Paul,.potentially.we are sitting with multi-millionaires but in.reality.we are sitting with two prostitutes and one gay…
 
A cowboy caught by the Indians

A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of angry Indians. They were all prepared to kill him but their Chief declared that since they were celebrating the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he killing him. The cowboy can do nothing, but obey them.

The Chief comes up to him and asks:
- What do you want for your first wish?
- I want to talk to my horse, - replies the cowboy.

The Chief allows him to talk to the horse. The cowboy whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt..

The Chief asks him once again:
- What do you want for your second wish?
- I want to talk to my horse, - once again replies the cowboy.

Again, the cowboy whispers in the horse’s ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later...

The chief comes up to the cowboy and asks:.
- So, what do you want for your last third wish?
- I want to talk to my horse, - for the third time replies the cowboy.

He grabs the horse by the ears and yells @ it:
- You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE not PUSSY!!!
 
A cowboy rides into town butt naked, the Sheriff runs out and yells at the cowboy "what the hell happened to you?"
The cowboy replies "Well Sheriff, I was riding along, mindin' my own business, when this woman jumped out from behind a tree with a shotgun, she aimed the gun right at me and said "cowboy, get down off of yer horse" ... so I got down off of ma horse and then the woman said to me "cowboy, take off all of yer clothes" ... so I took off all of ma clothes, then the woman laid down on the ground, hitched up her skirt, spread her legs and said "cowboy, go to town" ... and here I am!
 
Blonde Helping a Trucker.......


A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down……

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
 
The choice

During a blind date, as a man and a woman were filling each other in on their.pasts, the man said, "A genie once gave me the option of having a longer penis.or better memory".
"And which did you choose?" the woman.asked.
The man replied, "I don't remember."

=====================================================
a businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant: “What is your name?”

Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir”

Businessman: “Lovely name ...any relation to Mercedes Benz?”

Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close”

Businessman: “How close?”

Flight Attendant: “Same price."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An older gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son.
Do your best, and just remember,
if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me...













your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
 
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, “Hey, Mate! how long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber look around the shop and says “about 2 hours,” and the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours.” The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and a half”. The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says “Hey, Joey, I’ll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes.”

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?”

Joey says, “To your house!”
 
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He starts the stop by asking the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer, in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
 
After retiring, a former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence..............
The rest of the year went smoothly.
 
Bath nite....




An Irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a
lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of
the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if
she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the
fire.
　
"Monday's the best night, when my husband
goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed then to
have a bath the following Monday.
　
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts
match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get
undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't
have any pubic hair.
　
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday,
when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the
back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can
see for yourself.?
　
So the following Monday, while the girl again got
undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
　
"No," replied thegirl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
　
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up
her nightdress and showed the girl that she was most
generously endowed in the hair department .
　
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
　
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife
asked him, "Well, did you see ?"
　
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did
you have to show her yours?"
　
"Why are you worried about that?" she said.
"You've seen it often enough."
　
"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"
 
EastBayDave said:
What would the world be without balls

INTERESTING OBSERVATION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. And...
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE amazing fact is, the higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.
Click to expand...

And when you've lost all your marbles, you get to be President!
 
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