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Budman's on going joke fest

One day a father gets out of work, and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He dashes over to a toy shop and asks the sales person: "how much for one of those Barbies in the display window?" The salesperson returns: "which one do you mean, Sir? We have Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $199.95." The amazed father asks: "how much?! Why is the divorced Barbie $199.95 and the others only $19.95?" The annoyed salesperson sighs and answers: "Sir, the other Barbies only come with an outfit. Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's best friends."
 
When the kid went to bed last night, the wife and I sat down on the couch. I looked at her, she looked at me, and we started going at it. We almost fell off the couch. She got up and I followed her into the bedroom. We kept at it for what felt like a couple hours. Finally I tapped out, I was exhausted. After a couple minutes she looked over at me and called me a Sex Machine.

Well, her exact words were "You're a fucking tool!", but I knew what she meant.
 
A woman goes to her doctor in tears. "It's my husband doctor. He has no libido, no desire for sex at all. I can't stand it any longer!"
The doctor says, "I'll give you a prescription for viagra."
"That won't work, he will not take any pills at all" the wife replies.
The doctor tells her to crush one of the pills and put it in his morning coffee. "That will do the trick" he said.

A week later the wife returns. "Did the ground up pill in the coffee work?" asked the doctor.
"Yes it did!!" said the wife. "He drank his coffee and suddenly stood up with lust in his eyes and a bulge in his pants. He swept the cups and platters off the table, threw me onto the table and we made mad, crazy love like we haven't done in 30 years!!!"
"That's wonderful" exclaimed the doctor.
The wife said, "Yes it is, but we can never go back to that Starbucks !"
 
A woman goes to buy a parrot and notices the prices are $100, $200, and $15. Curious, she asks why the last one is so cheap.

The shopkeeper replies, "That one used to live in a brothel." Amused, she decides to buy it for $15.

When she brings the parrot home, it immediately says, "Well, I'll be damned, a new brothel!" The woman can't help but laugh.

Later, when her daughters arrive home, the parrot chirps, "Well, look at that, two new ladies of the night!" The girls burst into laughter too.

But when the dad walks in, the parrot exclaims, "Well, I'll be damned, Pete! Long time no see!"
 
Q: What do you call a musician that just broke up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
 
Question: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Answer: Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.

Question: How do you know if the floor is level?
Answer: The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

Question: What's the difference between a banjo and trampoline?
Answer: You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

Question: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
Answer: When you can throw a banjo into a dumpster without hitting the sides.

Question: How do you know when a banjo player is at your door?
Answer: He can't find the key, and he doesn't know when to come in.

Question: How do you tune a banjo?
Answer: No one knows.

Question: What's the difference between a banjo player and a large pepperoni pizza?
Answer: The pizza can feed a family of four.
 
one engineer rides up to another on a bike.
first engineer: ‘nice bike, where did you get it?’
second engineer: ‘a beautiful woman rode up to me on it, laid it on the ground, took off her clothes, threw them down and said - take whatever you want.’
first engineer: ‘smart choice. the clothes wouldn’t have fit you.’
 
An old lady walks into into a drugstore and says to the clerk, "Young man, can you help me find four D batteries?"

The clerk nods, beckons her with his finger and says, "Come this way."

"Sonny, if I could come that way, I wouldn't need four D batteries."
 
An American walks into a bar & orders a beer. The bartender says that'll be 20 dollars. Guy is shocked - "20 ? yesterday it was only 2 dollars!"

"Well, today it is 20 dollars. Why 20, I'll explain it: $2 is beer, $6 is tariff,$6 is to fund Ukraine & other conflicts and $6 for interest payments on federal debt."

The American silently took out the money and gave the bartender 20 dollars. The bartender took them, entered in the cash register and gave him 2 dollars back.

Guy in disbelief : "Wait, you said 20 dollars right ? I gave you 20, why are you giving me back 2 dollars?"

"Ahh... We have no beer."
 
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