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Budman's on going joke fest

DMV worker shouts: "next in line!"

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EastBayDave said:
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Because for a decade, and longer, the American conservative politicians have told us that the NEA, school administrators, college professors and teachers are not to be trusted?

Has DeVos changed the landscape?

Besides, sneaky 13 y/o kids are not to be left alone in any circumstance where untrusted adults have firearms.
 
EastBayDave said:
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Click to expand...

Pushrod said:
Because for a decade, and longer, the American conservative politicians have told us that the NEA, school administrators, college professors and teachers are not to be trusted?

Has DeVos changed the landscape?

Besides, sneaky 13 y/o kids are not to be left alone in any circumstance where untrusted adults have firearms.
Click to expand...

Political Forum is that way ---->
 
:thumbup

<<<<<<<<<<<<humorless lurker :snicker
 
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
 
Walked into the liquor store the other day and the clerk asked if I needed help.

I replied "Yes, but I'm here for whiskey instead"

:Port
 
Sharxfan said:
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
Click to expand...

Yesterday I realized that you can rent a U Haul van for $20 a day plus mileage. A mattress (and no mileage) makes that a pretty cheap place too.
 
Ｉjust learned new Japanese words yesterday.

kin- means gold
tama-means ball

kin-tama- doesn't mean gold balls.
it means testis, testicles.

Japanese like to repeat.
so Ｉ asked about the use of it.

tama-means ball
tamatama-doesn't mean doesn't mean double balls.
it means tiny balls. (testicles)

Ｉ don't have balls, only tits.
it is funny but isn't a joke.

am learning Japanese keigo in Tokyo.
 
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


Why ???


OH, come on... Take a guess !!!


Think about it !!!

You're going to love this !!!

Everyone knows..


You can't kill Two Birds


With


OneStone !!
 
that's really good!

Japanese - kill two birds with one stone.
isseki- nitcho
一石二鳥
 
Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.
Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify... "I answered, a doctor."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You are never too old to learn something stupid.

17 I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
 
Opening a bank account

A man walked into a bank and walked up to the teller. He said, "I want to open a fucking bank account." Astonished, the lady replied, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't tolerate that kind of language at this banking establishment." With that said she walked up to the bank manager and explained the situation. He agrees that the woman should not have to listen to that sort of language. They both return to the man. "What is the problem here, sir?", the manager asks. "There is no fucking problem here. I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my mother-fucking money in this mother-fucking bank." "Oh...I see," says the bank manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time, sir?"
 
The Plucked Parrot


A parrot developed the bad habit of fucking the farmer's hens, making them quit laying. The farmer tells the parrot if he does it again he will pull out every feather in the parrot's head. The next day, the farmer again catches the parrot humping a hen, and plucks the parrot bald.

The following day, the farmer's wife hosts a formal dinner. She thinks it would be unique if the parrot greeted the guests and told them where to go. She had spent nearly a year training the parrot for this.

As the guests began entering, the parrot dutifully announced, "Ladies to the right! Gentlemen to the left!" Spotting two bald guys entering, the parrot says, "And you two chicken-fuckers get up here with me."
 
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