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Budman's on going joke fest

old bull, young bull

Two golfers are paired up at the first tee, old guy and a young guy. The young guy hits booming shot after booming shot, but the old guy stays with him with a steady diet of chips and one-putts. The young guy is getting annoyed.

They get to the 18th all tied up, a dogleg right with a tree protecting the green. The old guy steps up and hits a dinky safe drive down the middle. The young guy steps up and stares at the line to the green, before grabbing his 2 iron for the safe play.

The older guy smiles and says "When I was your age, I'd take a four wood and hit right over that tree, straight to the green for an eagle."

The young golfer can't take it. He grabs his four wood and hammers it, a monster shot. The ball flies straight into the top branches of the tree and rebounds into the deep rough.

"Of course," the old guy says, "when I was your age, that tree was a lot shorter."
 
A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a 500 foot cliff, getting ready to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Hell no! Get away from me you sick bastard!"










The bum turns to leave and mutters, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom".
 
So Artie ran into this guy that owed him a buck. They get in a fight and he ends up strangling the guy. The guys friends hear what Artie did to their friend so they go over to fight him and as it turns out Artie strangles those two guys too.

I saw it in the paper today. It said ...


Artie chokes three for a dollar.
 
budman said:
A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a 500 foot cliff, getting ready to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Hell no! Get away from me you sick bastard!"










The bum turns to leave and mutters, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom".
Click to expand...

:laughing :barf
 
Which American President was the least guilty???




Lincoln.
Penny-obverse.png








He was..... In A Cent....
carusox.jpg
 
budman said:
A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a 500 foot cliff, getting ready to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Hell no! Get away from me you sick bastard!"










The bum turns to leave and mutters, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom".
Click to expand...


:rofl:rofl:rofl:rofl
 
Arthur is 90 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight
has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion:
"Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred
and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight
is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints
down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect
eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.







A few moments pass and then he says...
"Can't remember."
 
The Lost Keys (as told by the wife)

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal "TSA Pat Down."

They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition.

He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right.

The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?"

he barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!"
 
* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair. But, by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam and we're stoning her in the morning!



* The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers. So I did. She's 25, and her name is Kathy.



* Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. Completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.



* The cost of living has gotten so bad my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.



* A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "Why do you think that?" The man says, "The sex is still the same, but the dirty dishes are piling up!"




* I was explaining to my wife last night that Hindus believe when you die, you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."



* My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So I went down to The Salvation Army and got all her clothes back.




* The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if I'd contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.



* I was approached by a lady who asked me to buy a raffle ticket for an African orphan. I said, "Hell no! With my luck I'd win one"
 
Some good ones there Bruce.
 
This woman is out golfing and she gets stung by a bee. She goes to see her doctor and he asks her where she got stung. She answers, "Between the the first and second hole"
"Oh" he says, "You must have a wide stance."
 
Critical Thinking At Its Best!


Woman:
Do you drink beer?


Man:
Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man:
$5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No











Man:Where's your Ferrari?
 
^ Yeah, where IS your Ferrari? :laughing
 
I was standing in a bar in Stockton yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I am Chinese"?







"No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick!":twofinger
 
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada. I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming, too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year!!”
 
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