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Budman's on going joke fest

A cowboy was pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, driving, and in general was throwing his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y 'all havin' some problem with circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yes, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of circle flies." "Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you calling me a horse's butt?" "No, sir," the cowboy replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's butt." "That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best western drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
 
Not me.

10461997_666737410097862_2800072831281327028_n.png
 
Wheel_of_fortune.jpg


Apparently, the correct answer is “LUCK BE IN THE AIR TONIGHT”…….

Who knew?
 
The blind cowboy.


An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He winds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight-lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

'HELL NO.... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times...'
 
I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed to
PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really twisting
sections of canyon road with no straight sections to speak of and
where most of the curves have warning signs that say "15 MPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those
big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where
handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could
catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and
cornering. three corners later, I was on his fender. Catching him was
one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the
mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly
got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd
manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but
when we came out he'd get on the throttle and outpower me. His
horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me
more determined than ever.

My only hope was to outbrake him. I held off squeezing the lever
until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an
instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of
his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before
the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I
stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the
canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see
him in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before
he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no
match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest
section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than
horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. though it was not
easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the canyon and I had
preserved the proud tradition of another of America's best bikes.

I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedaled
so hard in my life. And some of the credit must go to Schwinn, as
well. They really make a great bicycle...
 
As we get closer to the election, we must keep in mind that we cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs...

Remember, the last time she had a really important job to do, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky.
 
What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She then asked if she could help me. I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours.

It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do”.

. . .. 1/3 ownership in the store,

. . .. A company pickup truck,

. . .. A king size bed and

. . .. $3,000 a month in living expenses.
 
So a cross fit participant, a lesbian and a feminist walk into the bar... They are shocked when the bar tender identifies each one of them when asking for their order.. When they asked him how he knew, he responded:

"You told everyone you passed between the door and the bar"
 
You guys are on a roll.. :laughing


***********************

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

She then said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk..

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
 
jjw408 said:
As we get closer to the election, we must keep in mind that we cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs...

Remember, the last time she had a really important job to do, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky.
Click to expand...

In a more accurate Asian accent:

"As we get croser to erection..."
 
A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry, Harry. I have been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you were not around.

In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that is no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it will not ever happen again.

Harry, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in.

Neighbor: Damn auto correct! I meant "wi-fi", not "wife."
 
Hope this hasn't been repeated too many times. :)

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,

" Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "" Business.

I'm going to the Annual Nympho- maniacs of America Convention in Boston ."

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a
meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

" Lecturer," she responded.

" I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

" Really?" he said.

"And what kind of myths are there?"

" Well," she explained, " One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. " I'm sorry," she said, " I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..."

" Tonto," the man said,
" Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
 
The world's shortest books:

MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
By Tiger Woods
____________________________________________
OUR WHITE BOYFRIENDS
By The Kardashians
________________________________________
THINGS WE LOVE ABOUT OUR COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore
Foreword by George Soros
________________________________________
OUR CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS
& HOW WE HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By "The Rev Jesse Jackson" & "The Rev Al Sharpton"
______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton
_________________

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
_________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
_________________________________
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________
GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
By Amelia Earhart
____________________________________
HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian
__________________________________
TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell
__________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
__________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
OUR PLANS TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson & Casey Anthony
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy
_________
MY BOOK ON MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introduction by
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
and foreword by
Tiger Woods with John Edwards
____________________________________________________
HOW TO WIN A SUPERBOWL
BY THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS
___________________________________________________
MY COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY
By Nancy Pelosi
________________________________________________________
And the shortest book of them all
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
by Barack Obama
 
Shortest poem in the world:

"Fleas"
Adam
Had 'em.

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. :teeth
 
budman said:
Arthur is 90 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight
has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion:
"Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred
and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight
is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints
down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect
eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.







A few moments pass and then he says...
"Can't remember."
Click to expand...

Guy goes out golfing with his friends, and is telling his wife about the outing when he gets home.
He tells her "It was a crazy day, we were shooting the best rounds of our lives out there today, and then Harry had a heart attack on the 14th hole!"
His wife replied "Oh my gosh, that must have been terrible!"
Guy says "Yeah it was, from then on it was hit the ball, drag Harry. Hit the ball, drag Harry. Hit the ball, drag Harry..."
 
:laughing

Good stuff guys.

**************************

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box,
he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long..

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked..

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.

'Could I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.



Over the roar of the one million ducks, Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!' :wtf








Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'
 
An aging couples son comes home for Sunday supper. After dinner, the son and father are in the sitting room chatting.

"So, what did you guys do this week?" asked the son.

"Oh, we went to one of those memory courses. Where they teach you how to improve you memory."

"That's interesting, how does that work?"

"Well, you're supposed to do word associations. You know, match up objects to things you want to remember."

"Oh, ok. Lets see how well it works. What was the instructors name?"

"Yea, I got this. Let me think. Um..let's see. There's a plant, it has a flower. Tip of my tongue here. It's got thorns…."

"A rose?"

"Yea, a rose…"







"Hey Rose? What was the name of the instructor?"
 
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