How do you cope?

[B-mtrd]

Not sure if this is the right place to post, if not mods please move to the right location.

Yesterday my closest childhood friend died in a motorcycle accident. Don't have any details yet but the reason I'm posting is because I'm having a hard time coping with his loss.
He's leaving behind a wife and 2 sweet little girls.

Something in me is having a hard time accepting the loss and I'm in total shock and disbelief.

How do you cope when you lose such a close brother in a motorcycle accident?

my good friend.

 

[ocoas]

It takes time, and sometimes a long time. You find the first of each holiday, anniversary, birthday, occasion of their passing to be a little hard. If they were religious or you are it can help, but it still hurts.
Most important, it’s okay to Morn it’s normal. You are about to go through a range of emotions, it is normal. Shock and disbelief are often the first.
Prayers for your friend, his family and his friends.

 

[cheez]

I'm sorry for your loss, may your friend rest in peace. Spend some time grieving him with your family, his family, and your shared friends. Attend his service and have a wake or other gathering to celebrate his life. Do these things to achieve closure- a failure to can leave the wound open and unable to heal for much longer.

If you need someone to share a bar with while you drink beer and remember him, I'd be happy to, and I'm sure many others here would as well. We're here for you, just let us know. I've lost many of my friends over the years, it never gets any easier.

My heart's with you.

 

[berth]

It takes time, and sometimes a long time.

You don't cope.

You accept.

You accept that grieving has great power over you, and you just "ride it out".

You don't fight it, you don't excuse it, you don't rationalize it. You can't talk yourself out of it. It's far deeper than that.

Now, maybe some professional therapist will say otherwise, and I'm sure their are techniques for it, but in the end, grief wins -- and you just roll with it.

No doubt you can distract yourself, try to think of something else, remember only the good times, or even remember all the bad times, or trying not to remember at all.

But as much as we discount the concept of "triggering" in today's sensitive social networking world, grief is the epitome of triggering. And you just have not control over what does it, or when that will happen.

You could be cutting up carrots and next thing you know, you're in a heap on the floor -- inconsolable.

Love your friend. Miss him. Love yourself. I don't know how close you are to the family.

But just accept that grief is its own thing, and will be with you for some time.

You will get through it. This, too, shall pass.

Condolences. Sorry for you loss, sorry for you suffering.

But know it gets better, no matter how dark it feels now.

It gets better.

Peace.

 

[dravnx]

I had an experience this past summer that left me pretty traumatized. I spoke with a trauma counselor and the 2 big take aways I got were that the feelings I had were normal and the event I experienced was like seeing something in your rear view mirror. Over time, it will get smaller and smaller. You'll always see it but it will have a less and less impact on you.

 

[ThumperX]

Grief is a deep steep sided pit. You don’t just bounce out of it and resume life as normal. Someone important has suddenly been jerked from your life not only that but left behind others that hurt as much as you.

There is no coping immediately, there is only one foot in front of the other. Over time the pit will become less steep but expect to stumble into it when you least expect it.

My heart is breaking for you, I’m glad you have this community behind you.

 

[Escape pod]

I remember. Think of their name, say you love them. Begin your day.

 

[cg_ops]

I've had 2 major losses happen to me while riding. About 15 years ago I "died" in an accident that saw my arm (and almost my leg) severed and a broken neck/back. The tearing in half of my brachial artery resulted in my lung collapsing and flat-lining due to blood loss. It fundamentally changed my body for the rest of my life. I had to go to counseling to deal with the depression of having lost the use of my arm, the damage to my spine, and having lost 1/2" of my femur on Hwy 101.

The takeaway, for me, was that life goes on. It does no good to pretend that nothing happened or that my life would be the same. You just put 1 foot in front of the other and do your best to keep living your life.

12 years after my accident, a girl I was seeing passed in an accident 10 feet in front of me. It was far more devastating than my own accident. I felt responsible, I felt angry, and I nearly decided to stop riding. The coping mechanisms from my own accident helped me deal. Accepting that my life would go on and that, eventually, I would be ok. It still hurts but every day got a tiny bit easier. It's not "unmanly" to hurt or grieve after trauma (physical or emotional). The best thing you can do is let yourself feel - cry if you need to, talk to people if it helps, and don't be afraid to ask for help. We play with fire, riding bikes.... but it brings us joy. Just know that if your friend is like many of us, know that if we must go, it's a kindness to get to go doing the thing we love most.

I just hope that we each can keep doing it for as long as we wish, to honor the people that no longer can. I empathize with your loss. I hope each reply, here and from your friends, gives you a little bit of warmth to make the void you're feeling a little less awful.

 

[Whammy]

All of this^^

We each have our own coping mechanisms some are greater tuned than others.
The loss of a close friend doing something you also enjoy makes coping with that loss that much more harder.
It brings into question your own mortality.
Having two little ones left behind also weighs heavy as well.

I'm copying this.. these are not my words but they describe the process you are now experiencing.

The 5 stages of grief and loss are: 1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance. People who are grieving do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them.

Above all your friends family are in need of your support.
Be there for them.
Talk about it if you can with others don't hold in your own feelings.
Whammy is sorry for the loss of your friend, and I pray you, and your friends family's pain will be eased in the days and months to come.

 

[Climber]

It's going to take at least a couple months before the world starts to get color back in it. You eventually get past it, but the sudden loss of somebody close to you, especially the first time, is something that will stick to you for a long time, even after 24 years my friend who died on his 3 week old Harley (first bike) still comes back to me at unexpected times.

Unfortunately, it's a reality of this sport that we've all adopted, if you ride long enough you'll know people who get killed riding.

Honor your friend's memory, keep him alive in your mind, the pain will get bearable over time.

 

[B-mtrd]

Thank's everyone for the support.
I'm the Boston area and his accident was in the Miami area.
He was not only my closes friend but we were cousins. We grew up together and never had a fight. His dad is also my dad's closest friend.
I spoke with his dad and mom this morning and they are devastated. I reiterated I'm here for them as I was like a brother to him.

 

[cg_ops]

That's so rough, you have my sincere condolences. Something that really helped me was to be the rock for my friends that were there during her accident. Neither of the other 2 girls there knew her, however, one performed CPR fruitlessly for 20-30 minutes. The futility of her training and efforts haunted her.... being there for them was kind of a "fake it till you make it" thing for me - I felt like I had to be strong, and, eventually I was.

Being strong for them helped me not feel weak for me. Be there for your uncle, in whatever way you can, if you can. Offering the support he needs will probably help you identify the support YOU need. If you need to vent or talk, feel free to PM me.

 

[sjuels]

I have lost more than most and find that the above advise is true and good advice.
If you want to talk I'm available.

One point: Alcohol is a depressant and does not help the process.

Much love,
/Soren

 

[Climber]

Thank's everyone for the support.
I'm the Boston area and his accident was in the Miami area.
He was not only my closes friend but we were cousins. We grew up together and never had a fight. His dad is also my dad's closest friend.
I spoke with his dad and mom this morning and they are devastated. I reiterated I'm here for them as I was like a brother to him.

I assume you will be going down for the funeral?

I absolutely 100% recommend it, regardless of the financial and work hardships it might put on you. It will help in your healing process and honor the important role he played in your life.

We all know what a devastating thing this can be.

 

[Whammy]

I assume you will be going down for the funeral?

I absolutely 100% recommend it, regardless of the financial and work hardships it might put on you. It will help in your healing process and honor the important role he played in your life.

We all know what a devastating thing this can be.

Whammy agrees.
You should go... its one of those times where the "Family" is most important.
Honor his life and help your family in this troubling time!

 

[cheez]

I assume you will be going down for the funeral?

I absolutely 100% recommend it, regardless of the financial and work hardships it might put on you. It will help in your healing process and honor the important role he played in your life.

We all know what a devastating thing this can be.

+2

 

[berth]

Being strong for them helped me not feel weak for me.

And, please, take this to heart.

You're not weak.

You honestly can't do anything about this. All you can do is try to close your eyes harder to prevent the tears, and that doesn't work.

Grief sucks, and it blindsides you. It's awkward in social situations, but that's just the way it is.

 

[B-mtrd]

He was not born in the US so what I know is that in they are planning on cremating him here and taking him back home. I will go to the funeral back home. They wont have anything here.
I'm trying to stay strong and distracted but I'm also trying to no avoid my feelings. I cant stop remembering us as kids playing together.

 

[dravnx]

I hope you have a sympathetic shoulder to cry on, it helps.

 

[rodr]

Very sorry to hear this. I can't imagine what his wife and children are going through. You might find some solace in helping them deal with it.