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Budman's on going joke fest

Know your limits

A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, you can't bring that monkey in here!" The man assures the bartender that his monkey is tame and house-broken. The bartender tells him, "Ok, but I'm keeping an eye on him." The man sits down at the bar and the monkey climbs down and starts to eat the pretzels on the bar. The monkey is being pretty tame and then suddenly runs down the bar, hops on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, and swallows it. The bartender yells, "That's it, out of here, and you owe me a cue ball." The man leaves with tht monkey and says he will return the cue ball after the monkey passes it, and it will sterilize it.

The man returns about a week later, monkey on his shoulder, holding a sparkling white cue ball. The bartender says, " Your monkey is not welcome in this bar." The man assures the bartender that his monkey has learned his lesson and is even better trained now. The bartender tells the man he will be watching the monkey closely. The man sits at the bar, the monkey limbs down and walks over to a bowl of grapes o the bar. The monkey grabs one grape, shoves it in his ass, pulls it out, and pops the grap in his mouth. The bartender explodes, "That's it, get your monkey out of my goddamn bar!!!"

The man apologizes, "Sorry, it's ok, he checks everything for size now."
 
Good Fairy

Ben and Jill are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years. One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.” The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel voucher for two.
The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.” “Are you sure?” asks the fairy.
“Yes!” replies Ben without hesitation.
Poof once more – and he’s 90.
 
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need. A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see, Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see, Size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
 
A little boy comes down to breakfast and since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

"Not yet," says the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"
 
I like jokes.
Contrary to popular belief, poop jokes are not my favorite jokes.
But they are a solid 2!
 
:teeth OMG spent the last hour laughing my ass off.

Thanks guys my day has been made.:thumbup:rofl
 
An Irishman left the local pub and was making his way unsteadily home when he decided to take a shortcut and got lost.

He went to have a seat on a rock and figure out where he went wrong. As he sat he heard a squeak from the rock.

"Get off me you lout!" Shouted a leprechaun who had been napping on the rock.

Though in a drunken stupor the Irishman knew he had the leprechaun where he wanted him.

"Not until you grant me my wishes." said the Irishman.

"Get off me and I'll grant you the customary three wishes." Gasped the leprechaun.

Once freed, the leprechaun paced back and forth while the Irishman sat on the rock and pondered his wishes.

"Come on, come on. I don't have all night." Said the leprechaun.

"I'm too thirsty to think straight." Said the Irishman. "Make my first wish an nice cool pint of beer."

Poof, in his hand appeared a pint of beer.

"Come on, come on. What are your other two wishes?" Prodded the leprechaun.

"Just let me finish my beer and I'll tell you what the other two wishes are." Said the Irishman while sipping his beer.

"You'll never finish it. It's a magical beer. As soon as you empty it, it'll refill itself." Said the leprechaun.

The Irishman proceeded to drain the pint, but as soon as he brought it away from his lips, it was full again. Astonished, he once again drained the pint only to have it full again instantly.

"There, are you satisfied? Now, what are your other two wishes?" Asked the leprechaun.

Smiling, the Irishman said "I'll just have two more of these please."
 
A little off-color but handed down...

Little Johnny Fukerfaster was a nice boy of 12 and like boys that age started to really get into girls. He really like Sally and although she was older than he was, she liked him too. On school nights she would come over and tutor him on math.

He became very infatuated with her. One day his Mom suggested Sally come over early and stay for dinner. Great he thought, more time with Sally.

Well, dinner was being served and Johnny wasn't at the table. His mother called up to him and said, Johnny, it's dinner time, you and Sally need to come down. Nothing but silence.

After a few minutes Mom got a little angry and from the base of the stairs yelled up " Johnny...Johnny Fukerfaster , you come right this instant!"

From upstairs a whimper "Hold on Mom, I going as fast as I can"
 
2 Irishmen are fishing.
Patrick spots a lamp floating in the lake so he picks it out of the water & rubs it.
Magic Genie appears and says
I can only grant you one wish.
Sean shouts out
Make this a water a lake of Ale!
A crash of Lightning strikes & the Lake is transformed into a wavy mass of rich dark Ale!
Patrick yells at Sean
I fooken idiot! Now we have to pee in the boat!
 
My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied:

"Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
 
a bunch of 'em....:)

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

______________________________ _______
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

______________________________ _______
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
______________________________ _______
An old woman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old woman says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
______________________________ _______

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

______________________________ _______
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

______________________________ _______
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective..

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
______________________________ _______
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah, until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

=====================
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values..

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
=================

I went to a doctor because I was having severe problems with my sex life.

The doctor asked a lot of questions but didn't seem to appear to be getting

a clear picture of my problems. Finally he asked, Do you ever watch your

girlfriends face while having sex?"

Well, yes, I did once."

Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy..... She looked VERY angry!"

At this point the doctor felt he was really getting somewhere and said, we must

look into this further, this is quite interesting.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend face once during sex;

That seems unusual; how did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching her sister and me through the window."
 
EastBayDave said:
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

______________________________ _______
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

______________________________ _______
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
______________________________ _______
An old woman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old woman says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
______________________________ _______

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

______________________________ _______
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

______________________________ _______
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective..

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
______________________________ _______
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah, until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

=====================
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values..

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
=================

I went to a doctor because I was having severe problems with my sex life.

The doctor asked a lot of questions but didn't seem to appear to be getting

a clear picture of my problems. Finally he asked, Do you ever watch your

girlfriends face while having sex?"

Well, yes, I did once."

Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy..... She looked VERY angry!"

At this point the doctor felt he was really getting somewhere and said, we must

look into this further, this is quite interesting.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend face once during sex;

That seems unusual; how did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching her sister and me through the window."
Click to expand...

:applause
 
Work Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a b*tch TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
 
SAFETY GLASSES: Used to hold hair off of forehead while using a grinding wheel or powered wire brush.

TAR IRON: Best tool available in Alabama for shredding new inner tubes during tire installation.

DUST MASK: Elocution disrupter.

BENCH GRINDER: Vibratory tool used to jumble and dance carefully arranged parts prior to a game of "Where in the hell did that go?"

ELECTRONIC DIGITAL CALIPER: Purpose is to excite curiosity in visiting three-year-old children resulting in unusability and frustration at not being able to physically address said child.

SHOP AIR COMPRESSOR: Used to drown out SO's demand for attention.

EAR PLUGS: (See: 'shop air compressor')

SHOP VAC: (See: 'shop air compressor')

WHITWORTH TOOL KIT: Place to stash the "medicinal".

SHOP CAT: Amused audience for debacle presentation.
 
Just a regular guy...

Just a regular guy...

I used to think I was just a regular guy, but . . .

I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist.

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist.

I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobic.

I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.

I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel.

I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which now makes me a member of the vast gun lobby.

I am older than 70, which makes me a useless old man.

I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.

I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.

I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant.

Recently, a sick old woman called me and my friends a “basket of deplorables”.

Please help me come to terms with the new me . . . because I'm just not sure who I am anymore!

I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking!

I just can't imagine or understand what's happened to me so quickly!

Funny . . . it's all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years! As if all this crap wasn't enough to deal with.

I'm now afraid to go into either restroom!
 
office prank pic

now that's a good one! :laughing
 

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