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Budman's on going joke fest

don't lie @ home....

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of
unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him
to change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual
purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 13 year
old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting
home?', they asked.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project' said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went
after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
''The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy. The Robot went around
to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry
I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I
never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse
right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all,
He is your son!' The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha and decked her!

===========================================

:teeth:teeth:teeth
 
Never stand when you can sit.
Never sit when you can lie down.
Never lie awake when you can lie asleep.
~ W.C.FIELDS
 
A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just gave birth to their first child "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 24 pounds…
Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of "Wow!"
Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "18 pounds."
The bartender, puzzled and rather concerned, asks, "Why? What happened? He already weighed 24 pounds at birth."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his longneck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

-----------------------------------------------------

A Texas man was driving thru rural NSW with his Aussie chaperone when they passed a cornfield.
'You know back where I am from in Texas our cornfields are ten times larger then that' scoffs the Texan.
Next they drive past a couple of barns.
'You know back where I am from in Texas our barns are ten times larger then that'
They continue along when they pass an open field with kangaroos jumping about.
'What on God's green earth do you call those things' asks the shocked Texan.
The Aussie chaperone replies 'Don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?'
 
Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Bill Clinton
3. Obama
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Nelson Mandela
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with #5 didn't you?

You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope??
 
EastBayDave said:
Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Bill Clinton
3. Trump
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Nelson Mandela
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with #5 didn't you?

You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope??
Click to expand...

Did an update for you. :teeth

Still funny :thumbup
 
EastBayDave said:
Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Bill Clinton
3. Obama
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Nelson Mandela
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with #5 didn't you?

You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope??
Click to expand...

Well I'm not Catholic, sooo...
 
Nelson Mandela was a terrorist with the african national congress or did your socialist teachers miss that one. The ANC was also communist which is lately in fashion. Look up "necklacing."
 
A redneck is walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars," she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks, so they hide and get busy in the bushes.

They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes upon them. It's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife!" Bubba answers, sounding quite annoyed.

"Oh, I'm sorry" says the cop, "I didn't know."

Bubba says, "Well, neither did I, until you shined that light on her face!"
 
Peeing on my flowers

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.

"Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.

"You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."
 
In a revival tent service, the preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand on Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. The whole congregation joined with enthusiastic shouts of “Amen Brother!”

After a few minutes the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

“I don’t know,” Leroy answered. “It isn’t until next Thursday.”
 
An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again."Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"She thinks about it for a while and says "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts inthe world.As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well?Are you gonna bite them or not?'" Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"
 
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