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Budman's on going joke fest
- Thread starter budman
- Start date
berth
Well-known member
There's a Dos Equis ad in there somewhere.
norcal
Himself
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the basketball team?
She kept running from the ball.
She kept running from the ball.
Sharxfan
Well-known member
I think you may watch Blue Bloods.
norcalAF
New member
I once dreamed that I died a d was reincarnated as a chicken. I was devastated because I knew who I was but had no was to communicate with my family. A big red chicken spoke to me in a language I could understand, saying "You're only a chicken for a short time; the goal is to be the best chicken you can be. Once you're a perfect chicken, you'll move on to the next plane!"
So I committed to it. I clucked, scratched the dirt, pecked bugs and did all kinds of chicken stuff but it was for nothing. I stayed a chicken. The red chicken appeared and told me I was going to stay a chicken because I was holding back, to just BECOME the chicken I was destined to be.
I realized that I hadn't sat on my nest yet, so I tried it. To my amazement, I felt the urge to lay an egg- and it would complete my journey to becoming a perfect chicken! So I pushed and laid a perfect egg; I was so proud! I felt a stirring, pushed, and laid a second egg! I could almost feel myself changing and becoming ready to move to the next plane of existence but had just one more egg to lay before it could happen.
So there I was, sitting on my nest and pushing to lay this last huge egg, when my wife woke me up screaming "OH YOU SON OF A *****! YOU'VE CRAPPED THE BED AGAIN!!"
So I committed to it. I clucked, scratched the dirt, pecked bugs and did all kinds of chicken stuff but it was for nothing. I stayed a chicken. The red chicken appeared and told me I was going to stay a chicken because I was holding back, to just BECOME the chicken I was destined to be.
I realized that I hadn't sat on my nest yet, so I tried it. To my amazement, I felt the urge to lay an egg- and it would complete my journey to becoming a perfect chicken! So I pushed and laid a perfect egg; I was so proud! I felt a stirring, pushed, and laid a second egg! I could almost feel myself changing and becoming ready to move to the next plane of existence but had just one more egg to lay before it could happen.
So there I was, sitting on my nest and pushing to lay this last huge egg, when my wife woke me up screaming "OH YOU SON OF A *****! YOU'VE CRAPPED THE BED AGAIN!!"
EastBayDave
- Kawasaki Fanatic -
*Texas Sheriff Exam*
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department...
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
six illegal aliens,
six lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six Democrats,
and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department...
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
six illegal aliens,
six lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six Democrats,
and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
tougenomikado
Vanquisher
Haha... Yes.... that 1 works for me!!!
(im referring to the chicken 1)
(the texas sheriff one was good..... but to truthful for me to actually laugh)
(im referring to the chicken 1)
(the texas sheriff one was good..... but to truthful for me to actually laugh)
Last edited:
EastBayDave
- Kawasaki Fanatic -
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over…
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area, without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over…
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area, without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
EastBayDave
- Kawasaki Fanatic -
Jack Schitt
Who is Jack Schitt?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to genealogy technology, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, FullaSchitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
************
Who is Jack Schitt?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to genealogy technology, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, FullaSchitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
************
EastBayDave
- Kawasaki Fanatic -
Superman was kinda bored so he just started flying around looking for something to do. He's flying over Wonder Woman's house and sees her bedroom window is open. He stops for a glimpse and sees her lying on her bed naked. She's lying there and squirming around looking real hot.
Superman was getting turned on looking at her so he decides what the hell, I can just fly in real quick, give her the ole' in-out and be out of there before she even knows what hit her. After all he is Superman. So, in he goes, wham-bam and he's out of there.
Wonder Woman knew something happened and says, "What was that?" The invisible man says, "I don't know but, damn, is my ass sore."
Superman was getting turned on looking at her so he decides what the hell, I can just fly in real quick, give her the ole' in-out and be out of there before she even knows what hit her. After all he is Superman. So, in he goes, wham-bam and he's out of there.
Wonder Woman knew something happened and says, "What was that?" The invisible man says, "I don't know but, damn, is my ass sore."
EastBayDave
- Kawasaki Fanatic -
*The Urinal Is Too High:*
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about
thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to
see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach
the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their little
'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
"You must be in the 5th grade."
"No ma'am he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race,
but I appreciate your help."
***************
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about
thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to
see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach
the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their little
'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
"You must be in the 5th grade."
"No ma'am he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race,
but I appreciate your help."
***************
rob linders
Active member
That was pretty good.Sharxfan
Well-known member
Ahh an oldie but a goodie.
Sharxfan
Well-known member
Ok gonna take a stab at this so don't be to hard on me.
So Roberto was going to take his citizenship test at the immigration office. The immigration officer in charge of his case said that the test was pretty simple, he only had to use three english words that we given to him correctly in a sentence. Roberto was okay I can do this. The immigration officer says I need you to use "Green", "Pink" and "Yellow" in a sentence.
Roberto thinks about it for a minute and says okay here it is:
The phone "Green" I "Pink" it up and say "Yellow".
So Roberto was going to take his citizenship test at the immigration office. The immigration officer in charge of his case said that the test was pretty simple, he only had to use three english words that we given to him correctly in a sentence. Roberto was okay I can do this. The immigration officer says I need you to use "Green", "Pink" and "Yellow" in a sentence.
Roberto thinks about it for a minute and says okay here it is:
The phone "Green" I "Pink" it up and say "Yellow".
EastBayDave
- Kawasaki Fanatic -
1. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "Morning." He said "No, just taking a shit".
2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.
3. My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting
"Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and said,
"You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you
would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "It'll be too painful."
4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual
checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she told me, "Because I am trying to examine you."
5. I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.
3. My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting
"Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and said,
"You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you
would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "It'll be too painful."
4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual
checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she told me, "Because I am trying to examine you."
5. I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
EastBayDave
- Kawasaki Fanatic -
A man wanted to get married .
He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed .
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed .
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
EastBayDave
- Kawasaki Fanatic -
Best Pick Up Lines
Best Pick Up Lines
I want to melt in your mouth not in your hand.
Your Dad must have been a baker, because you've got a nice set of buns.
Smile if you want to have sex with me.
Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Because you've got a pretty sweet ass.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
My couch pulls out but I don't.
Hi, I'm a burglar and I'm going to smash your back door in.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a mind like mine?
I want you to be the girl who takes my virginity.
Come and sit on my lap and let's get things straight between us.
That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
When I see you, sea levels aren't the only thing rising.
If I were a squirrel and you were a tree, I'd store my nuts in your hole.
They say your tongue is the strongest muscle in your body. Wanna fight?
That's a beautiful smile, but it'd look even better if it was all you were wearing.
You can call me "The Fireman". Because I turn the hoes on.
I find your lack of nudity disturbing.
I'm no weatherman, but you can expect a few inches tonight.
There must be a keg in your pants, because I just want to tap that ass.
Are you an elevator? Because I'd like to go down on you.
I think I ought to tell you what people are saying behind your back. Nice ass!
I lost my pants. Do you mind if I wrap your legs around me instead?
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you've got my privates standing at attention.
Do you work at a butcher's shop? 'Cause you're giving me a T-bone.
You know how they say the skin is the largest organ in the body? Not in my case.
Are you butt dialling? Because I swear that ass is calling me.
Do you like cherries? If not, can I have yours?
I wish you were soap so I could feel you all over me.
You're so hot even my zipper is falling for you.
It's true there are plenty more fish in the sea, but you're the only one I want to catch and mount back at my place.
I'm a businessman. I work in orifices. Got any openings?
Girl, your bone structure is giving my bone structure.
Best Pick Up Lines
I want to melt in your mouth not in your hand.
Your Dad must have been a baker, because you've got a nice set of buns.
Smile if you want to have sex with me.
Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Because you've got a pretty sweet ass.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
My couch pulls out but I don't.
Hi, I'm a burglar and I'm going to smash your back door in.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a mind like mine?
I want you to be the girl who takes my virginity.
Come and sit on my lap and let's get things straight between us.
That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
When I see you, sea levels aren't the only thing rising.
If I were a squirrel and you were a tree, I'd store my nuts in your hole.
They say your tongue is the strongest muscle in your body. Wanna fight?
That's a beautiful smile, but it'd look even better if it was all you were wearing.
You can call me "The Fireman". Because I turn the hoes on.
I find your lack of nudity disturbing.
I'm no weatherman, but you can expect a few inches tonight.
There must be a keg in your pants, because I just want to tap that ass.
Are you an elevator? Because I'd like to go down on you.
I think I ought to tell you what people are saying behind your back. Nice ass!
I lost my pants. Do you mind if I wrap your legs around me instead?
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you've got my privates standing at attention.
Do you work at a butcher's shop? 'Cause you're giving me a T-bone.
You know how they say the skin is the largest organ in the body? Not in my case.
Are you butt dialling? Because I swear that ass is calling me.
Do you like cherries? If not, can I have yours?
I wish you were soap so I could feel you all over me.
You're so hot even my zipper is falling for you.
It's true there are plenty more fish in the sea, but you're the only one I want to catch and mount back at my place.
I'm a businessman. I work in orifices. Got any openings?
Girl, your bone structure is giving my bone structure.
rodr
Well-known member
What do you call a gay mexican?
A sticky back.
A van has two puerta ricans, a mexican, and a black guy, who is driving?
The cops.
What do you say to a puerta rican wearing a three piece suit?
The defendant may rise
A sticky back.
A van has two puerta ricans, a mexican, and a black guy, who is driving?
The cops.
What do you say to a puerta rican wearing a three piece suit?
The defendant may rise