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Budman's on going joke fest

Lying around, pondering the
problems of the world,
I realized that, at my age,
I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.

If walking is good for your health,
the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish,
and drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives15 years,
while a tortoise doesn't run,
and does mostly nothing,
yet it lives for 150 years.

And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.
 
Warning, in the toilet.

Ran to the can and after a few seconds heard a noise that you only hear during a nature show where crocs are dragging wildebeasts under the water. That was followed by a slosh and what felt like waves.

Fearing mortal danger, jumped up, looked back and ran out screaming "an Anaconda!"

Brother peeked in and said...

No, shit.
 
Last edited:
Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet. In the end you just give up and go "I Agree".
 
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

********************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

***********************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.
'I'm so tired of chardonay.

********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him.. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

************************************************************** Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
 
Today I woke up around 4:30 Quietly getting up make coffee eat some cereal , get dressed and get in my jeep with the camp trailer hooked up ready for a few days all to myself. As I open the garage proceed to back out I turn on the radio in the jeep only to learn it's expected to get really cold over the next 3 days. I pull back into garage, close door, turn off coffee and slide back into bed with "other" ideas and as I cuddle up to my wife I say "baby its getting cold out there" she reply's "yeah can you believe my stupid husband is out camping in this crap?
 
Why did the water bottle cross the road?

Because it was drunk.




(sorry that might be funnier when a 7 yr old says it)
 
**Oil change procedure for 2022 Audi S6**
--------------------------------------------

• Vehicle must only be serviced during Audi approved service hours of 01:14-03:05 EST

• Call Audi service center in Ingolstadt, Germany and request permission to perform oil change procedure. Provide vehicle VIN, mileage, description of vehicle scent, and express admiration of vehicle. **Note: German must be spoken to them**

• Once Audi service center staff is convinced of sincerity vehicle will be remotely set into service mode

• Once vehicle is in service mode the hood will automatically release. Fully open the hood and remove all 32 protective covers. Tools required will be 1/4" hex drive, Audi special service tools FU325, FU426, 10mm socket, Phillips screwdriver, and 1/2" 8 point locknut wrench

• Enter vehicle settings and select oil change from service menu

• Wait for online confirmation of approval

• Once approval is granted the protective door covering the drain plug will lower

• Remove oil cap using Audi special service tool FU789.

• Use Audi special service tool FU193 to remove drain plug.

• Select "Remove wheel" option from service menu and await online confirmation.

• Once confirmation is received remove drivers side front wheel with Audi lug nut tool.

• Remove rotor and calipers with Audi special service tool FU027 and special service tool FU912

• Remove the 6 protective coverings to access oil filter.

• The 2022 S6 utilizes a high performance honeycomb filter so ensure you only use Audi brand Africanized bees in its replacement. Aftermarket bees or hornets will restrict oil flow and damage the engine.

• Release old Africanized bees

• Remove oil filter housing and remove old honeycomb filter

• Fill oil filter housing with Audi brand Africanized bees and replace the filter torquing to 12.53 lb·ft. **NOTE: Exceeding these specifications will damage oil filter. Replacement filters are available from Germany and should arrive 32 weeks after ordering packed with a snapping turtle for protection.**

• Replace 6 protective covers and reassemble the drivers side brake and rotor

• Replace wheel and torque drain plug to 35.4321 lb·ft. Exceeding this torque will damage the oil drain pan and any torque below this will cause an oil leak.

• Fill vehicle with 6.2 quarts of OEM proprietary 2022 S6 oil.

• Select oil fill option from service menu and allow vehicle to start and self check oil level.

• Once vehicle confirms oil level is correct scan the barcodes on all Audi service parts and await confirmation from Audi service center.

• Once confirmation is received replace all protective covers in engine bay and close hood.

• Call Audi service center and confirm oil change procedure is complete.

• Confirm oil change is complete in vehicle settings.
 
LakeMerrit said:
**Oil change procedure for 2022 Audi S6**
Click to expand...

You say this like its a bad thing.

You don't want your 2022 Audi S6 to spontaneously catch fire on the freeway, or have the AI decide to careen itself in to a concrete abutment, do you? Well, DO YOU??

I didn't think so.

For your safety.
 
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their
beer and whiskey, to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He’s one of us!"
 
budman said:
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their
beer and whiskey, to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He’s one of us!"
Click to expand...

Awww :laughing

giphy.gif
 
That Rubber Thingy

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down. As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."
The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!"
 
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies,
"Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.

I just have one more question.

What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,

"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
 
After I Die

A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?" The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister." The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?" The husband responds, "No, I will also live with your sister."
 
Marriage Not


Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess,."Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said, "No!" And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles.and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was friggin' cool as hell, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up. The End.
 
The Ring

A balding, white haired man walked into a.jewelry store this past Friday.evening with a beautiful much younger.gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special.ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special.". At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought.another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said." The lady's
eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled.with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,.
"By.check..I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank.Monday.to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday.afternoon." On Monday.morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and
said, "Sir...There's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man..."But.let me tell you about my weekend.".
 
Johnny Cheating

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, "Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.".Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. "Well," said Mr. Johnson, "I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you."."So, everyone knows that he was the first president."."Well, just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson. "The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?' Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you." "Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny. "Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson. The next question was, "Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?" Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither."
 
Bedside Manner

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?".Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands.".He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?".Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands.".The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong.."Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?".Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them.".At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again,."Are my test results back?"
 
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

*************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters


'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

***********************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.
'I'm so tired of chardonay.

********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him.. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

***************************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
 
A man is out at the bar drinking the night away with his buddies. He's had a bit too much and vomits and its gets all over his shirt.
"Oh no! my wife is gonna kill me!" he says. The bartender smiles and says "Hey buddy don't worry, i got this trick, ya take this 10 dollar bill and put it in your shirt pocket, you tell your wife someone else threw up on you and they gave you the money to have it dry cleaned"

The guy cheers up and keeps drinking for a bit before heading home. When he gets home his wife becomes angry about the shirt. He says "Don't worry, some guy threw up on my shirt but gave me this 10 dollars to have it dry cleaned! See!!!" He hands her the bill and she looks at it and says "Wait a minute, this is a $20!?"

"Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you, he also shit my pants"


-Gilbert Gottfried
 
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