• There has been a recent cluster of spammers accessing BARFer accounts and posting spam. To safeguard your account, please consider changing your password. It would be even better to take the additional step of enabling 2 Factor Authentication (2FA) on your BARF account. Read more here.

Budman's on going joke fest

Staying with the Holiday theme:
The Rabbi is Leaving

At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that after Hauukkah he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.


Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in the area stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands up and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and Abe said: "Fuck him."
 
budman said:
Staying with the Holiday theme:
The Rabbi is Leaving

At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that after Hauukkah he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.


Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in the area stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands up and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and Abe said: "Fuck him."
Click to expand...
:rofl
 
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.

The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.

Understandably distraught, she asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor’s, the man lifts his wife’s coat to show their predicament.

The man asks, “Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?”

“Well, yes,” the doctor replies, “but not framed like that.”
 
About time. Happy 2018.

ENTRANCE EXAMS ARE HARD:

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters:

"PNEIS".

Into the name of an important human body part
which is most useful when erect.










All those who answered "spine" are doctors today.














The rest of us are motorcycle riders sending jokes out on barf.
 
:laughing

Reminds me, what is a 4-letter word ending in K that means "intercourse"?




















Talk.
 
Nice.

I have learned from talking with my buddies it is all about how you say it. Example:


I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing. He replied that he is working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment".

I was impressed......:wow



On further inquiry when we got together for a beer , I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water…under his wife's supervision

Education pays off!
 
A WISH TO LIVE FOREVER



I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.



Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."



"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."



"OK," I said, "Then, I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"



"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
 
Two hunters went hunting in the African bush and after a rather successful weekend had shot 3 big kudu's.

When the pilot came to pick them up after the weekend, he informed them that the 3 antelope are too heavy to load into the aircraft.

Very agitated, the two hunters explained that the previous year they had shot 3 similar kudu's, and the pilot had no problems loading them in the (similar) plane.

After much deliberation, fighting and name-calling, the pilot loaded up the kudu's and everyone got into the plane.

With take-off, the plane doesn't get altitude and crashes into the bushes at the end of the runway.

The two hunters, dazed and confused, crawled out of the wreckage.

One of them asked: "Where are we?"

The other answered: "Looks like we crashed in the same spot as last year..."
 
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well?? he says, I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me?.

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me?.

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, $2,700.

The official, incredulous, says, You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure??

The Chicago contractor whispers back, $1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence?.

Done, replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Democratic party works.
 
Pushrod said:
Thanks. Punch line was much funnier without the partisan snark.
Click to expand...

Funnier for half the people in the country, less funny for 75% of people in CA.
 
Six retired Jewish men from Florida were playing poker in the condo
clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest,
and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the
other five continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They
cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They
tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my
middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the dead man's apartment and knocks on the door. His
wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares:
"Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home.

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"No problem - I'll let him know," says Goldberg.
 
An lady news reporter is out doing an interview with a old farmer about his range. As the camera started rolling, the interview asked:
- Sir, your cows are so healthy, what do you feed them?
-- Which one? asked the farmer.
- The brown one.
-- Her, I feed grass.
- And the black one over there?
-- I also feed her grass.

The interviewer thought that was rather odd but she moved on.
- Sir, how much milk do they produce daily?
-- Which one?
- The brown one.
-- She gives about 1/2 gallon a day
- And the black one??
-- She also gives about half gallon a day.

At this point, the interviewer got curious and a little agitated.
- Sir, why do you ask which cow when they are the same?!
-- Oh because the brown one is mine. Said the farmer.
- And the BLACK ONE???
-- She's also mine.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top