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When do you stop making the effort?

SirSkankin DBA

SirSkankin DBA

New member
Joined
Sep 16, 2004
Location
Oakland
Moto(s)
'20 790 Duke '16 Duc Scrambler FT (sold),
'05 F4i (sold) '95 F3 (sold) '03 Superhawk (sold) :( '99
Name
Matthew B.
Acquaintances, Friends, people you have "interest" in...When do you "get the clue" and stop making the effort to keep in contact?

It just seems to be a fairly frequent event in my life (since I moved to the bay area about 7.5 yrs ago) that I am good to entertain people when they have nobody else to hang out with or occupy their time, or when I can provide something, but otherwise, it seems since either I am not a long time friend or a part of the "cool" crowd, I don't rate....and to be honest, it sucks not feeling like I am "good" enough or "cool" enough.

I realize that this is probably opening the door for finger pointing and "what did I do type comments," which is fine, because self eval is always good. But, with this being a post with some emotional tie to it, all I can ask is please be considerate....
 
I worked with some guys like that. I wasn't in the "clique". When they needed me to save their asses on something, whether move their shit, answer a collect call from jail, or put money on their books, it was all buddy buddy. Other than when they needed something, complete indifference. Doesn't take long to stop taking collect calls when they are obvious assholes. Fuck 'em.
 
Happens as you get older. People fade away because of other commitments, jobs, kids, family, etc.

Pick the friends you think will be there for the long haul and give them 100%. The rest will prob fade away..
 
corndog67 said:
I worked with some guys like that. I wasn't in the "clique". When they needed me to save their asses on something, whether move their shit, answer a collect call from jail, or put money on their books, it was all buddy buddy. Other than when they needed something, complete indifference. Doesn't take long to stop taking collect calls when they are obvious assholes. Fuck 'em.
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Yeah, have kind of been in the process of doing that.

Ducky_Fresh said:
Happens as you get older. People fade away because of other commitments, jobs, kids, family, etc.

Pick the friends you think will be there for the long haul and give them 100%. The rest will prob fade away..
Click to expand...

Yeah, I guess I need to get better about picking. The ones I thought would be around, aren't.
 
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Part of the problem is that people come in to and move out of the Bay Area all the time. Many of the people I have lost contact with have moved.
 
i usually keep trying to contact them until they tell me otherwise.
 
If it's someone I don't see more than twice a year I will no longer make an 'effort'.
 
I pick up with friends i have not been in touch with for 10 years like it was just yesterday.

I dont make extraordinary effort to keep in touch with people though. theres what? 7 billion people in this world.

Just go on, enjoy life, be a good friend. People who return your friendship rock. those who dont... well best to just leave them be. I met plenty of users in my time, but I never got too caught up with them.
 
the hardest part is to realize the difference between acquaintances and an actual friend. acquaintances are the people who dont put out much effort to hang out or help you when you need, but always call on you when they need something. friends are the people who will reach out to hang out when you havent seen them in awhile and will do their best to help you when you ask them. you cant treat your acquaintances like they are friends because they will walk all over you and use you as often as they can. the easiest way to figure it out is to just stop communication. friends will put in the effort to invite you to a party or a bbq or to go have a drink and catch up. the others will only call you when they need something. always stay true to those you consider friends because they will always be there for you and will often help you find more actual friends who will be there for you.

personally im just figuring out this stuff now in my life. it got really depressing and lonely when i realized i had surrounded myself with a bunch of acquaintances who only used me and i let them thinking it was a friendship. i only had about 3 actual friends who were there for me and only one of them lived within 400 miles. slowly things are starting to turn around and looking up.

in the words of a wise man "surround yourself with prosperous people, and you will try hard to be more than equal."
 
OldMadBrit said:
Part of the problem is that people come in to and move out of the Bay Area all the time. Many of the people I have lost contact with have moved.
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Sorry, I left that part out...Most of the people that are "getting under my skin," haven't moved away...They are all within the Bay Area. The ones that have moved, have kids, etc...I completely understand their schedules.

Oceansides said:
I pick up with friends i have not been in touch with for 10 years like it was just yesterday.

I dont make extraordinary effort to keep in touch with people though. theres what? 7 billion people in this world.

Just go on, enjoy life, be a good friend. People who return your friendship rock. those who dont... well best to just leave them be. I met plenty of users in my time, but I never got too caught up with them.
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I have a few people like that. Where, I may not have spoken with them in forever, but when I do, it is like we never skipped a beat.

dub599 said:
the hardest part is to realize the difference between acquaintances and an actual friend. acquaintances are the people who dont put out much effort to hang out or help you when you need, but always call on you when they need something. friends are the people who will reach out to hang out when you havent seen them in awhile and will do their best to help you when you ask them. you cant treat your acquaintances like they are friends because they will walk all over you and use you as often as they can. the easiest way to figure it out is to just stop communication. friends will put in the effort to invite you to a party or a bbq or to go have a drink and catch up. the others will only call you when they need something. always stay true to those you consider friends because they will always be there for you and will often help you find more actual friends who will be there for you.

personally im just figuring out this stuff now in my life. it got really depressing and lonely when i realized i had surrounded myself with a bunch of acquaintances who only used me and i let them thinking it was a friendship. i only had about 3 actual friends who were there for me and only one of them lived within 400 miles. slowly things are starting to turn around and looking up.

in the words of a wise man "surround yourself with prosperous people, and you will try hard to be more than equal."
Click to expand...

I completely understand. I found that I had to make that designation between friends and acquaintances awhile ago. But, I guess, when you do get lonely and MW3 or Battlefield 2 is your best friend, you don't make that designation as clearly as would have and comes to bite you in the arse....but definitely....Guess I need to become more social and just expect the disappointment to happen...

I do thank all of you for your input...and would love to continue to hear others are additions....:thumbup
 
yeah friends are there regardless of time between contact, acquaintances come and go.
It's part of the process of learning about yourself, finding the type of people you like to hang with and realizing those that aren't worth the effort.
 
friends come and friends go. its a part of life.

if someone appears to be fading away, I'll usually make some sort of "last move"; a call, or something of the sort. something that they could respond to, or could not respond to - yet still be socially OK. but i'll do something to CLEARLY puts the ball of further communication in their court. if they call back, great, if not - move on
 
When they contact you and all they want is something from you, dump them immediately. Unfortunately you can't do that with family until after the first couple of dozen times. Also, being a responsable person makes you an easy mark. Try being a dick and see if the change makes any difference. When I was young, I had friends and it seemed that everyone of them would burn me if the oppotunity arose where they could get ahead by doing so. Human nature I suppose.

As an example: my so called friend and bandmate kicked me out of the band over the goddamn phone!!! :laughing srsly, it was the late 80's and I tried telling them that Sunset Strip, big hair, glam bands were done and none of them wanted to hear that. Either get your grunge on of go roots rock, but they took offense and gave me the heave. Oh well, we were running out of drummers anyways......

but the point being, even your most trusted bud will kick you in the teeth if they can rationalize it. Robert Johnson was right.....so I only have aquintences, and they never get close. It may sound cynical, but a lifetime of interpersonal relationship lessons has taught me to keep people at arms length. If you need a friend, just feed any animal.
 
My experience is that new friendships are easiest when you're each available to the other often. Deeper, long-term friendships are usually the product of shared history. They sometimes need room to breathe as people get consumed with other things, but tend to be the ones where you run into one another years later and it feels like you never missed a beat.
 
tzrider said:
My experience is that new friendships are easiest when you're each available to the other often. Deeper, long-term friendships are usually the product of shared history. They sometimes need room to breathe as people get consumed with other things, but tend to be the ones where you run into one another years later and it feels like you never missed a beat.
Click to expand...

That's true for me. If they are just acquaintance or no-so-close friends, I stop trying if they don't communicate somehow through a computer. Whether that be FB, Barf, LinkedIN, email or whatever else DIGITAL communication they choose
 
tzrider said:
My experience is that new friendships are easiest when you're each available to the other often. Deeper, long-term friendships are usually the product of shared history. They sometimes need room to breathe as people get consumed with other things, but tend to be the ones where you run into one another years later and it feels like you never missed a beat.
Click to expand...

Yeah, unfortunately, it seems that is where the heartburn lies. I am happy to make myself available when I can...it is just the gesture is not returned....
 
The first thing I did to eliminate those types of friends, was delete Facebook.

The next thing I did, was change my phone number and message everyone that was in my phone with my new number.

The people who contacted me were real friends, the rest, got deleted and I haven't talked to since.
 
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