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Budman's on going joke fest

Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned ‘stiff drink’.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

==================================================
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
 
funny or ironic?

By today's standards, none of us were supposed to ever make it.

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs 2016

Scenario 1:
Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2016 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2016 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled - even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2016 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2016 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being spanked herself and their dad goes to prison.

Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock .
2016 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2016 - Pedro's cause is taken up by a radical group.
Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files a class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from the basic curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway, but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed..
1957 - Ants die.
2016 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents - and all siblings are removed from their home. All computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee . He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2016 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Life is tough; it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
- John Wayne
 
Isn't this the truth

ISN'T THIS THE TRUTH !

The Economy is So Bad I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift was a bank.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street."

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
 
It seems a man walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the boy three nickels to keep him occupied while he checks out the menu. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and turning blue in the face.
The boy’s father realizes his son has swallowed the nickels and starts pounding on his back. The child coughs up two of the nickels, but he keeps choking. The father calls for help.
A well-dressed, serious-looking, woman, in a blue business suit, is sitting nearby. She sets aside her newspaper, puts down her coffee cup, gets up and walks over.
When she reaches the boy, she pulls down his pants and starts to squeeze his little testicles.
After a few seconds, the boy lets out a yelp and coughs up the third nickel, which the woman catches in her free hand.
She hands the nickel to the father and returns to her table.
As soon as he confirms that his son is okay, the father rushes over to thank her. “I’ve never seen anyone do that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” she replies, “I’m with the IRS.
 
da wifie showed me this one the other day....

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
 
An older guy got married to a pretty young thing.
They went to bed, but no matter what he did, he could not 'rock her boat'.
He went to the doctor, who suggested he gets a handsome young man to stand next to the bed wave them cool with a towel while they were 'busy'. This should get the girl to fantasize about the attractive man, which should allow her to reach the Big O.
So the older guy did as the doc suggested, but still NO O for the girl. So back to the doctor...
This time doctor suggested that the old man switch roles with the handsome young guy.
So he does that and this time his young wife reaches screaming ecstasy with the young man.
When they were done the older guy looks at the young guy and says:
"See, that's how you wave a f**king towel!"
 
NEW medical experiment = "Pain Transfer"

Pain Transfer

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.
Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic, and she was able to leave the hospital within a few hours.
When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.
 
From the BBC news headlines today:

"Election 2017: What CAN'T you do in a polling station?"

Well shit, let me think about that...screw it, nothing comes to mind or the top of my head.
 
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another blond joke

A blonde is driving down a country road, and suddenly she slams on the brakes, skids to a stop, and rolls down her window.

Off to her left is another blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a corn field.

She screams out,"You stupid blonde bitch. It's stupid blonde bitches like you that give us blondes a bad name.

And if I could swim, I'd swim out there and kick your ass
 
A salesman knocks on the door of a house. When the door opens, he is greeted by a 10-year old boy smoking a cigar, a glass of whiskey in one hand and a Penthouse magazine in the other.

A bit taken aback, the salesman says, "Good afternoon, sir. Are your mother or father at home?"

The boy looks at the salesman for a moment and replies, "What the fuck do you think?"
 
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